This is Matt’s mom. Matt died in September 2010 at age 25 of a heroin/etc. overdose. I know what you’re thinking–you’re thinking, “He must have been one of those seedy types I see sleeping on park benches by day and leaning against brick walls under neon, beer signs by night.” Not Matt. He didn’t stick out in the crowd like that.  There is a growing trend in heroin use that is changing the stereotypical heroin user. Matt was one of those statistics changing the faces associated with heroin addicts. We came from rural America; I am a teacher of 19 years, and he liked to bow hunt, study music, ride his dirt bike, travel overseas, play cards, discuss politics, read (The Daily Onion, Blake, social commentaries, Facebook…), play the guitar, and write. He loved to write and write he did. He wrote little vignettes, lists of does and don’ts, random rants, poems, and daily journal entries. So, I suspect you will find these writings quite sublime. I found them after he died yet found them full of hope. They tell of the struggles, common yet often unheard, of a hometown junkie. As I type them up I will add them here.

This is a work, in part, to allow me to express the love I have for Matt, yet to express the depth that people of all types have even when dominated by outside forces. I would like others to experience not only how expressive my son was (I struggle with the past tense, as I believe he still IS) but how in tune to reality he was. I found his conversations so refreshing and engaging; however, I find his writings additionally  timeless and enlightening. Oh, how I hope for one more conversation with him. Whoever is reading this, have you ever wanted for one last chance to say something? I believe Matt wants to say one more thing. This is here for you, in hopes that this one more thing will rise like smoke to the nostrils of God and live on though his body here does not.  I invite any comments at all on his writings. In whatever area of growth you are, I hope they enlighten, entertain, educate, and embolden you further. Additionally, I would like this blog to serve as one more way of saying, “Matt, I love you still and always.” Through my tears I will type out these writings and hope that someone visits here and finds something of value.

If I may suggest, read Matt’s Story Told by Matt under his writings. The journals show the last year of his life day by day, and I will post them as I can under Matt’s Journals.

Warm regards,

Matt’s mom, Jane

Favorite hat, shirt,and stance.

64 thoughts on “About

  1. Hi. I received your comment on my blog and I’ve been reading some of yours and Matt’s story. I am really sorry for you loss. He seems like a very special boy. I will keep updating about what’s going on with my family. I appreciate you sharing your story online. I think it’s important to do so.

  2. I’m sorry for your loss. I would like to reach out to you and let you know that I’m available if you ever need to connect with someone that can relate with losing a child to drugs.🙂


  4. I’m sorry that it took me a while to respond to your comment, on my blog. It’s painful for me to relive my son’s addiction– but at least he is still here. I am about to begin to read your story. So glad you got the blog back. It was probably a widget you installed, and someone hacked into it with a redirect address. May the sharing of your son’s story give you healing in your time of grief. He will always be with you. A mother never stops loving their son, no matter what. Blessings and God’s comfort to you.

    • Hi Debby,
      No problems on response time. And, yes to sharing and healing–I find that as I type each up I go through so many emotions: anger, pity, self-pity, guilt, love, peace, joy… often mixed up so much I get them confused. Thanks so much for visiting and commenting. I find the comments warm my soul, make me feel connected, give me an ear to that little voice that’s been screaming inside for years. This is so much better than talking to his picture, so thanks again.

  5. Thank you so much for being here. I will read. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your sharing helps people understand the truth about addiction and the people who suffer through it. My prayers are with you.

    • I love the name of your blog! We all need to talk, but I find myself so afraid at times. I noticed that you were feeling the same exact way. I don’t believe many people can really understand the feeling of being so naked and vulnerable. Thanks for your very honest and candid expressions of love in torture.

    • Hi Karen, I don’t believe I ever won anything, really. Well, I once won a Bud-Light hat, but I don’t drink beer. Maybe this was all a save-up to something I would love to win. Thanks for the nomination, like wow, really, thanks. Mostly, I feel like I won already for your little comment, “You’ve really helped me.” That is winnng enough!
      Love Jane

      • Hello i have found you thru a documentary i was a part of i wass a middle class heroin addict whos insane life is that of a thousand addicts i havent died tho a blessing i saw it as torture. Big pharma is at fault for the kik stand to heroin i used to think i went right to the needle but it was pills that started it all and our government keeps apporving posoin and neglecting tru healing please get ahold of me i think i can offer countless insights from detroit and our suburban crisis here its national not global we use 85 percent of the legal opium purchased for pills greed b4need docs too. I have ben sober 4 years and am still rebuilding the devistation in my life death prison abuse lose of finance family children and freedom all done in from heroin please email or cantaxt me by fone 2488201926 god bless u i look fowarf to your correspondence our orginization is bryan’s hope out of waterford mi check with jeannie Richards i think you could help her she is the mom of bryan and wasnt blessed with such knowledge of her son she found him dead and had no idea of his drug use. Love n light your brother and servant in god jace

  6. Jane you are such a wonderful person. Really and truly one of a kind. I think of you often too. I have not had a chance to catch up on your blog recently but I hope to soon. I want to keep in touch and it makes me feel so good to know that you are rooting for me. I wish we lived close.

    • We do live close, close at heart. You are such a classy lady; took me years to figure out how to hang with people, but you do it just like a statue of marble. Me, in your situation…well, let’s just say I don’t believe I would fair as stately. And, as for rooting for you, who wouldn’t? It would be like not rooting for Rosa Parks!!!–only ignorant ingrates would not root for freedom for the rightous.
      (Hey, what’s up with the funeral garb and suicide prevention stuff? You better not make me fight this fight alone! I may not be able to talk all sexy, but I can talk love. Love ya sister! so hang tight! The angels in heaven are cheering you on. Have you asked God for help? He’s super nice, really. Best of all He’s ready to play defense if you just ask. Try it, honestly, it works. I asked Him to save my son, and I know Matt is in heaven. He is waiting there, safe. You know how you just know something? Satan got him here, but he didn’t get him in the end.
      Everyone thinks you have to know a bunch of churchy stuff to talk to God. You don’t. I know of a guy who just asked God in a conversation to save his dog. Dog was pretty much dead. God did, and this man could see that he was not just a bunch of words and going to church to sing. Not even kidding. Ask Him for a miracle, just ask, can’t hurt. He’s got a great right hook. So, make one for the Gipper and punch these chemicals right in the mouth. Oh, I would love a really big punch too. Could you do me a favor and bloody his whole face? Knock all his teeth out? )

      • My friend committed suicide back in July. So that is what is up with the prevention stuff and the pic is from the day of his funeral. And I really am not good with people in person I am very shy and have terrible social anxiety. IDK how I do what I sometimes, but really, men are so easy, any woman could do it. We all have it in us. I am still struggling with the God thing. Was raised in the church but saw alot of hypocrisy, got out as soon as I could, so IDK.

  7. Um crap, I accidentally linked one of my work blogs here, hence the sexy, lol, did NOT mean to do that. Well enjoy, LOL, but I have to figure how to fix that.

  8. Hello Jane,

    I’m sorry about your loss. Thanks for sharing your story and Matt’s life. It must be very difficult. My dad died 6 years ago; his addiction took his life slowly. I know it’s difficult to talk about the people we love, when they’re gone, it doesn’t matter how long has it been.

    Reading your post made me think about my mom. One of my brothers disappeared in May of 2010. We know that he was getting into trouble with some drug dealer/gang/mafia…I don’t know well. My mom always hoped that he would change and stop doing drugs, and realize that he was putting his life in real danger. My last conversation with my brother, I remember well, he was drunk and he was crying…he had a long conversation and he said something that stayed with me (Spanish is my first language, so I’ll offer the best interpretation of what he said) ” Being who I am, makes it very difficult not to do the things I do.” I understand this as him being unable to see himself as a different person, living a different life, or even making changes to his current life…I’ve bee there too, so I understood.

    We don’t know what happened to him. Until this day my mom hopes he is alive and that one day he’ll call her. This is my mom’s first born. I wish I could help my mom with her pain, but I don’t know how.

    I will be reading your posts and Matt’s. I thought about something while writing this response. You son’s name contains a part of the word “matter.” I like science, so here’s what I thought about, reading about Matt:

    “Law of Conservation of Matter/Energy: Matter cannot be created or destroyed, it simply exists, and it can only be converted from one form to another” I personally think it is beautiful that Matt’s name is in the word matter.

    Best regards, Jane.

  9. Suboxone was integral part of my treatment and eventual sobriety; however, here in SC it has most definitely become a moneymaker for unscrupulous PHARMACIST’s who open clinics and hire a doctor to be there once a week for intakes. Me and a fellow journalist did an investigative report on the practices of Methadone clinics here and they pretty much all are now using Suboxone too, much the same way that they use Methadone. They do not inform their patients that the drug–Suboxone–was initially created with the intention of only being taken for approximately one week, not indefinitely. It is a very sad situation, the misuse of a medication that could, if prescribed and taken properly as intended, save so many.

  10. my wonderful son died on jan 7 2013…y y He died of an overdose….I am very angry and extremely sad ….this is war…i am tired of wringing my hands and worrying ….I am going to do something ….what about you

  11. Thank u so much for doing this I know it couldn’t have been easy in the least. But as a striuggling addict myself. It has really helped.u are doing a great service by sharing your pain and matts story

  12. I just discovered your blog and wanted you to know that I’ve added it to the website that I’ve been curating in memory of my 23 year old son who was killed 10 months ago.
    The website is for bereaved parents and siblings and contains blogs, videos, articles, websites and anything else that might be meaningful or helpful for those of us struggling with our grief.

  13. Age 25 is still so young to leave this world. Sorry for your lose. Even it’s been 3 years since Matt passed away, I know that as a mother you still coudlnt move on. Especially when you know you wasnt able to do the best for you kid’s recovery. Wish you happiness in life Jane and I know Matt is already happy wherever he is now🙂

    sober for 10 years

  14. If you or a loved one continue to struggle as I did, you can’t watch as they slowly kill themselves. You need to give them guidance and that’s what I am here for, and truly believe its what my purpose is now. Don’t be afraid to call or text for help, just know help is there.
    Call or text 978-854-3342
    My name is Connor

  15. I’m sorry for your loss. While reading your post I felt how you love your son and how you miss him. If we could just bring back the time when our love ones is still alive. We could definitely add more treasured moments and show how we care about them. But one thing is for sure is that they will always remain in our hearts.

  16. Hi Jane, I really appreciate what you have created here. I’m researching a possible documentary to raise awareness about the heroin epidemic. Send me an email if you have a moment to chat.

  17. This disease is so sad. My husband is a recovered addict and he looses friends constantly that didnt make it out. I am very interested in reading about the drugs but this is a great read form another perspective!
    I get allot of information from sites like http://www.revivedetoxcenter.com so I can learn the information but this is great.

  18. Hi, I just started reading this, but will be reading lots more. Your son is me. I am the same age as him, my addiction started when I was 16 in March 2001 with the big toe on my LEFT foot infected and it had to be partially removed.

    I didn’t get back into opiates until I was 25. When Matt passed. They always were in my brain though, from the first use.

    The similarities are haunting. I feel like I continued in his life.

    • So very happy to meet you! Come back often. You might not believe this, I can’t hardly believe it myself, but a documentary film company is producing a full-length piece on just Matthew and opioids/opiates. Looks like he will be the “poster junkie” to represent how truly human and worthy addicts really are. Hopefully, people will watch and change stereotypes; maybe our country will start doing something about the crisis.
      Matt’s mom, Jane

    • Hi Melissa,
      Thanks for your comment on My Dead Son’s Journals back in August. You might like to know that an independent film company is doing a documentary on opioid and heroin addiction in order to change the stereotypes and approach to addicts. Please follow this link and back this project. Also, please share it on your other social media to help get the word out! We need to do something to change things for people like you and Matt before more die.

      Matt’s mom, Jane

  19. Dearest Matt’s Mom… I am also the mother of son who used Heroin, nearly died three times, but for the grace of God, lived to turn his life around. He too comes from a good home, is extremely intelligent and has the heart of an angel. I’m am full of sorrow for the loss of your precious son….I came close to knowing your pain, but I know I cannot pretend to know the emptiness you feel inside. I am happy to report that my son has been clean and working for 7 years now. He has shown all of us that the devil’s grip can be broken. I hate drugs but mostly Heroin; it is the devil’s drug and once hooked, it is near impossible to escape it’s hold. I pray for your continued healing and thank you for such a beautiful tribute to your wonderful child, Matt.
    In Love,

  20. Hello. What a inspiration site this is. Jane, my heart goes out to you. Such courage to begin a blog like this. I think it’s theraputic for you – well you’ll be pleased to know it’s helping me considerably – I know how your son felt and what he went through…I take comfort in his writings: For drug addicts live in a lonely and introverted existence. …fortunately for me I am still alive – so far. I’ve never used heroin but I’m addicted to crystal meth. The evil, life destroying and highly addictive drug that’s comparable to heroin. Now I want help. One thing I’ve learnt from my many relapses? You cannot beat serious drug addiction alone. You need help and support plus: relapses are likely.

    Jane I was wondering if you had a private email or a way of getting in touch with you personally. I need your help and guidance before I go through with my plans and journey to rehab. It’s to do with my own Mother and also family as a whole. It’s too personal to write publicly. If you could email me to the above address. Thanks. I hope to hear from you soon.
    Regards, Lissa

    • Hi Lissa! I would be honored to give you any feedback based on my experience. I have a Facebook page, What I Couldn’t Tell You. Send me a message there. I look forward to visiting! jane

  21. Hi Matt’s Mom. My name is Cheryl, my son Jon is 21 and been living this same life for about 5 years now…just before I found your blog I started writing my own accounts of the Monster addiction with him, My husband I just started reading, but the story is so familiar….Just had to say hi and wish I could talk to you…right now we feel that we are just waiting and watching, watching and waiting for the end……feel alone and helpless.

    • Hi Cheryl. The watching is horrible, isn’t it? The loneliness is even worse because nobody seems to understand or they judge as if we are horrible parents or something. I wish I could talk to you too; I don’t know what I would say, but I certainly would listen. I never found anyone who would listen. I stopped trying to explain to people because their responses just made me so negative as a whole, and they didn’t know how to listen. I wish someone had told me something useful besides what a rotten sop he was for his actions. They could have told me to sell everything, kidnap Matt, and take him to a remote island; however, knowing Matt he would have befriended some monkey who had a connection. May God bless Jon! Make sure to hug him, and you can tell him the hug is from someone who wishes she could still hug her baby boy. (I bet he is quite intelligent; most addicts are.) Hugs to you, too, Jane.

  22. Hi Jane,

    I deeply sympathize with your loss and I admire what you have done in your son’s memory. He seemed an intelligent and kind person.

    I’d wondered if you’d work with me on something. How could I contact you?

  23. Hi my name is Matthew C H. I completely get it from am just scared of letting everyone down. Dont know where to begin but I know if I started it’d be a book. Lol yo as mother need to know that you are legendary and never to blam.

  24. I lost my brother who played many roles for me including a father.. he was my everything. I dont know what to do without him. It will be a year without him this thanksgiving, he was only 21. 11/27/14 RIP see you soon

  25. Hello,
    Love what you have shared. I’m sorry we are in this unlucky club. My son Lukas died 8 months ago from an overdose of oxycodone. We had only seen a slight glimpse of his problem before he died, such a short time. We were still adjusting to the idea of it, no quite knowing what to do, having no experience with this type of addiction. We didn’t know about the things to look for, the lying, etc. Now it’s too late. Maybe we couldn’t have made a difference. I don’t know. Thank you for putting this out there, showing your son and his intellect, humor,and humanity. Lukas was a lot like Matt. Intelligent, interested in many things, funny, liked by many people, yet lacking in confidence or in confidence that he was liked. He felt isolated, depressed, anxious, and was oh so sentimental. I think you are right. It happens so easily to the sensitive ones. Thank you for showing how easy an addiction can start. My son had a support system and a loving family, as did yours. I feel for people who fall prey to an addiction problem without that kind of support. .

  26. It is not easy losing someone from addiction. I just lost my dad and he died of alcoholism. My dad was a responsible person who worked hard and had much financial success. Yet he was a failure at his relationships and he of course was an alcholic. I am still processing it and facing the fact that addiction affects everyone they are around. I pray you heal and thank you for your story.

  27. Dear Matt’s Mom — I lost my little sister right after she turned 30, fairly recently, and I would give anything to have what you have–writing left behind that give even more insight into the wonderful person that she was. I am so sorry for your loss, though I know those words ring hollow, as they don’t change your loss or the grief it has left you with. You have such a gift though. Thank you, thank you for sharing that gift with others. I just discovered this blog from a comment you left on another blog but I can’t wait to read more. With warmest regards — LC

  28. I agree with the information that you have shared with us. One of my friend was very addicted to drugs.He consulted professionals and took treatment.Now he is under recovery.At that time i got to know that synthetic opioids such as Suboxone and Methadone are used in treatment for patients in addiction.

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